Sex can be as important as any meeting.
tomorrow. Then that tomorrow-sex rarely comes, pun fully intended.
As a certified sex coach and sexologist, I often hear about how difficult it is to make time for intimacy while leading hectic lives. It’s why I swear by scheduling
in relationships. This is exactly what it sounds like: sitting down with your partner and marking sex dates into your calendar.
Many of my colleagues in the
space and I call this “maintenance sex,” which…doesn’t sound sexy, I know. But for some people, scheduling sex is critical for maintaining a healthy relationship, hence the moniker.
“It definitely feels like we’re closer now than when we’d wait for ‘the mood’ to just hit us. Without it being scheduled, we were like two ships passing in the dead of night,” Melissa B., 28, who’s been with her husband for eight years and scheduling sex for just over a year, tells SELF. “Either I wasn’t feeling it, he was working late, or we honestly [were] just too exhausted.”
Why I’m a fan of scheduling sex
Even though sex is typically so, so vital for
happiness, people often let it fall by the wayside in long-term couplehood. Scheduling sex is an amazing way for partners to keep intimacy and satisfaction alive.
If sex feeds your bond, it isn’t just some extra fluff you should try to work into your day if you have time. When it’s part of the glue holding you together, it deserves some respect and dedication. But there’s this very pervasive and annoying myth that sex should just
For a lot of people, sex in long-term relationships generally doesn’t work that way. And that’s fine!
“[Scheduling sex] has helped our sex life. Having to plan it into our lives gave us both a bit of a reality check that we need to make the time,” Brook W., 24, who’s been with her partner for eight years and scheduling sex for the last nine months, tells SELF.
How to actually schedule sex
1. Figure out a day and time that works for both of you.
It sounds obvious, but you can’t schedule
without this bit.
I recommend that couples sit down together and carve out a time that works, whether it’s a standing sex date or something you need to decide anew each week. It feels like a more intentional step towards intimacy than scheduling via text and the like. Technology is great, but there’s really nothing like IRL face time.
Don’t just think about when it logistically makes sense, also think about when you might feel most emotionally and mentally engaged or turned on.
“I suggested scheduling sex because my partner preferred late night sex and I’m such an early bird, and both our lives were pretty packed. We started scheduling late-afternoon and early-evening sex when we both had good energy,” August M., 40, who’s in a four-year relationship and has been scheduling sex for three years, tells SELF.
2. Actually put it in your calendar.
When you write your scheduled sex down, you’re granting it the same weight you’d give any other important appointment. So be sure it’s on both of your calendars. Even give it a designated color. I suggest hot pink or red. (You can guess why.)
“We noticed that the only day of the week that seemed to allow us to both have free time was Tuesday afternoons. We both [take] late and long lunches that day, allowing us to slip back to our apartment for one-on-one time,” Melissa says. “It’s something in my schedule that I protect at all costs. I mean, even my admin at the office knows not to schedule any meetings on Tuesday afternoons. I just always have a block on my schedule for that chunk of time.”
3. Be flexible about what kinds of intimacy are involved.
Having a sex schedule does not mean you need to have intercourse every time (or ever). This isn’t really about sex. It’s about intimacy. Many—but not all—couples often do experience this through sex, while others don’t.
The point is scheduling time to engage in whatever activities make you feel more closely connected. Perhaps it’s a
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